The most tragic stories EVER

These are the books that (while sometimes having significant literary value) threaten to bring one to tears.

*tears* *tears* *tears*

East of Eden, by John Steinbeck

Tigerlily, by Jodi Lynn Andersen

1984 by George Orwell

Wuthering Heights, by Emily Bronte (it could be contested that this is not so much a tragedy, as story concerning the second generation ended on a pleasant note. However, it is traditionally regarded as a tragedy.)

Romeo and Juliet, by Shakespeare (did we even need to list this?)

Hamlet, by Shakespeare

The Forsyte Saga by John Galsworthy

anything written by Edgar Allen Poe

If you saw one of your favorites on the list, YOU’RE A FREAK.

P.S. We are freaks too, it’s ok. Are you a freak? Did we miss any sad literature?

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He’s a freaking groundhog!

We have gathered today to bring before you the most shocking trial in American history.

 

There is a group of people- people like you and I, with beating patriotic hearts, who, being so grieved with a single fallacy from beloved Puxsatawny Phil are calling for a death sentence!

He’s a freaking groundhog! Nearly a century of fully accurate foretelling of the weather, and one single mistake causes a substantial amount of the population to lose faith. We find this entirely unjustifiable. Human meteorologists (who we find ill-named, as they so rarely deal with meteors) make fallible forecasts all the freaking time and no one tries to murder them.

 

Please sign our protest to end the violence. Puxsatawney deserves to live.

 

The fall of the American Music Industry

hipster

The following selections, (in bold) have made a notable appearance on Billboard in the past few years. The extremely popular songs enjoyed by the general populace.

The examples that follow them are from the Indie, alternative, and folk genre. You know who listens to this: the “weirdos”. The socially awkward bookworms who troll Etsy for the perfect pair of vintage tortoiseshell frames for their glasses. The “hippies” or “hipsters”. The ones that take their type-writers to the park, and would rather watch the BBC than keep up the Kardashians.

You may judge, indeed, who has the superior soundtrack.

************

Baby, baby, baby, oh
Like baby, baby, baby, no
Like baby, baby, baby, oh
I thought you’d always be mine, mine…”

Justin Beiber

“Swan dive down, eleven stories high, or swim down deep until you see the light. You can sink to the bottom of the sea, just don’t go without me… C’est la vie, c’est la mort, [This is life, this is death] You and me, Forevermore…”
The Civil Wars

“Have you ever felt like a plastic bag floating on the wind, waiting for life to begin?”

Katy Perry, “Firework”

“What if I was wrong? This land means less and less to me without you breathing through it’s trees.. At every turn the water runs away from me, and the halo disappears…I’m not whole when you’re not near… ” Mumford and Sons

“CALL ME MAYBE!”
Carly Rae Jepsen

“I’ve known mornings white as diamonds, silent from a night so cold. Such a stillness, calm as the owl flies; our lives are buried in snow…I was sifting through the piles, in my hand a tangled thread. Each patient tug upon the snarl is a glimpse of what has been…”
Alela Diane

“I WHIP MY HAIR BACK AND FORTH!” –Willow smith

“I was desperate, I was weak, I could not put up a fight. Where are you now, where are you now? Do you ever think of me in the quiet or the crowd? Triumphant in the mind of the logic that you hold. You said no one will ever know the love that we have shared; as I took my leave to go it was clear you didn’t care.” -Mumford and Sons

“WE ARE NEVER EVER EVER EVER GETTING BACK TOGETHER” – Taylor Swift

“Meet in the garden, where the weeds grow tall… we’ll set on the swing… Meet me in the tintypes of long ago, trace the lines of my face… You and I, we’re just pressing flowers; they’re dying, but they’re ours…” –
The Civil Wars

“Loving him was red, re-e-e-e-e-ed…fighting with him was like trying to solve a crossword and realizing there was no right answer…” Taylor swift

“It’s under control but the Sun and Moon have been after each other from night until noon, chasing like a couple of fools, in a race of the clouds like a bloody cartoon… colorful creatures in wonderless moods have been tirelessly learning their lines and their runes, turning about in their colorful shoes, surprising themselves with their wonderful moves… I know I’m gonna get there someday soon..” -Ben Taylor

“Baby you light up my world like nobody else
The way that you flip your hair gets me overwhelmed
But when you smile at the ground it ain’t hard to tell
You don’t know (oh oh)
You don’t know you’re beautiful!” – One Direction

“I am thinking it’s a sign that the freckles in our eyes are mirror images and when we kiss they’re perfectly aligned… And I have to speculate that God himself did make us into corresponding shapes like puzzle pieces from the clay… and true, it may seem like a stretch, but it’s thoughts like these that catch my troubled head when you’re away and I am missing you to death…” – Iron and Wine

“Who run the world? GIRLS

Who run the world? GIRLS

Who run the world? GIRLS”

Beyonce

“If I get murdered in the City, don’t go revenging in my name. One person dead from such is plenty, no need to go get locked away. Make sure my mother knows I loved her, make sure my sister knows the same. Always remember there was nothing worth sharing like the love that let us share our name.” –
The Avett Brothers

Beautiful art requires intelligence. Help us make intelligence fashionable again: Support the “hipster” movement.

HIPSTER AND PROUD.

A awesomely short review Pride and Prejudice and Zombies by Jane Austen and Seth Grahame-Smith

“It is a truth universally acknowledged that a Zombie in possession of brains must be in want of more brains.”
Pride and Prejudice was published by romance novelist Jane Austen in the year 1813.

Nearly two centuries later, Pride and Prejudice and Zombies was released by Seth Grahame-Smith.

He has been praised as having taken a dead story and injected life into it once more. Though how he has done so by filling it with undead creatures is a mystery to us.

We here at Barton Hollow are rallying for a film adaptation to be made, starring Benedict Cumberbatch as Mr. Darcy, and Tom Hiddleston as Mr. Bingley. (Whosoever is cast as the Bennet sisters is of no consequence to us, so long as Mr. Cumberbatch and Mr. Hiddleston grace the screen.)

We give it five stars.

Q. (Nicole) Describe to me what it is that Mr. Grahame-Smith has done to this well-beloved classic.

A. (MadaLin) He has infected it with a awesome flavor of 21st century sci-fi! Most notably Zombies. He has written in incidents with Zombies (called, thoughtout the book, Unmentionables, much to our good humour) and has also done the unthinkable in adding to Mr. Darcy’s list qualifacations for the perfect woman.

Q. No! In what way?

Mr. Darcy now thinks less of an accomplished piano-forte player and more of a knife-wielder! Since this “grevious plague” has infected England, former luxuries and marks of high society are now seen as tomfoolery.

Q. But of course, Elizabeth Bennet still passes his test.

Of course. The major pinnacles of the story line are unchanged, but they all bear the aroma of undead.

Q. Do you feel Jane Austen would approve of this re-making?

A. I think a lot of people feel that Jane Austen is rolling over in her grave (hah hah hah), but personally I think she was rather quirky enough to enjoy it.

Q. Do you think her “quirkiness” was well received by pre-victorian society?

A. Perhaps not in her own time, there were many throughout history who disapproved of her works, (I.E. the Bronte Sisters, and surprisingly Winston Churchill) but for every one mark of disdain there is an incalculable multitude who adore them.

Q. Pride and Prejudice is always widely spoken of, but tell me what the plot actually is about.

On the surface, it is about a rather spastic mother of five daughters who (understandably) wishes to see them marry well. However, this desire often overtakes what small sprinkling of common sense she operates under.

Q. Describe each daughter to me.

Jane, the eldest, is extremely sweet and loving.

Elizabeth is slightly sassy-smart.

Mary, quiet, contemplative, and a bit of a know-it-all.

Catherine (Kitty), who is a follower acting mainly under the instruction of

Lydia, the youngest. She is rather self-absorbed.

Q. Tell me about the marriages in the book.

The first to marry is the youngest, Lydia. Against her parent’s wishes, she at sixteen elopes with Mr. George Wickham.

Next, Catherine Deburg attempts to keep Elizabeth and Mr. Darcy apart, owing to Elizabeth’s poverty.

The eldest sister, Jane, marries Mr. Bingley.

Elizabeth marries Mr. Darcy, and they live happily ever after, with both love an money, as do all of Miss Austen’s characters.

Favorite Quotes-

“My sore throats are always worse than anyone’s…” – Lydia

“Any savage can dance!” – Mr. Darcy

Welcome to Starvation Heights: The Home of Dr. Linda Burfield Hazzard

"Not Yet Published"

At the dawn of the 21st century, there’s all kinds of medical mumbo jumbo floating around. ‘Radical’, ‘revolutionary’, ‘amazing’ and ‘miracle’ cures and treatments, which claim to do everything from help you to lose weight, grow hair, tone the skin, increase the size of your…mental storage-capacity…among other things! But radical, ‘cure-all’ medical claims date back a lot further than the year 2000, with fitness fads and diet-pills and stuff like Tae Bo and Slimfast and free, 12-month membership to your nearest Jenny Craig or Lite’n’Easy diet-center.

Indeed, at the turn of the last century, a new kind of medical treatment was emerging; a controversial and dangerous treatment which many people in the medical profession at the time, saw as complete quackery, but which some people were willing to give the benefit of the doubt, anyway. It was called ‘fasting’, and Dr. Linda Burfield Hazzard became the world’s first ‘fasting specialist’…in…

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