We have gathered today to bring before you the most shocking trial in American history.
There is a group of people- people like you and I, with beating patriotic hearts, who, being so grieved with a single fallacy from beloved Puxsatawny Phil are calling for a death sentence!
He’s a freaking groundhog! Nearly a century of fully accurate foretelling of the weather, and one single mistake causes a substantial amount of the population to lose faith. We find this entirely unjustifiable. Human meteorologists (who we find ill-named, as they so rarely deal with meteors) make fallible forecasts all the freaking time and no one tries to murder them.
Please sign our protest to end the violence. Puxsatawney deserves to live.